Greetings Screaming Fans of Legacy Land!!!

Did you miss me???

Welcome back to another episode of "The Burke Life"  I'm your host, Burke Marquette.

Today we bring you not only a new year, but a new audition for The Burke Life, where YOU, the millions of Burke Marquette fans audition for a chance to be part of "The Burke Life" 

Madame Producer:  Our next contestant is a Burkie who says she goes by the name  KiKi Steeletto.

Hi, I'm KiKi Steeletto and I'd like to be on The Burke Life.

Apollo: KiKi, it says on your application that you have some very interesting inventions....? 

KiKi: That's right.  I've invented something that has already proven to be very useful to Burke Marquette, in fact, I would say that it's been a huge element to his success.

Not only that, it has become the passion of Burkies everywhere.  I don't think we can talk about Burke without talking about my invention.

Apollo: What could she possibly have invented? 

Apollo: Ummm, Miss Steeletto.  I'm afraid that we're not aware of any invention or patent on Mr. Marquette.  Would you care to enlighten us?  What did you invent?

I invented.... The Banana!

All of this.  The Banana.  The Banana Hammock.  The Banana Split.  The Bananasicle.  The Banana Boogie.  All invented by me. 

Burke: What???

KiKi: Come on.  I can't believe you didn't know this.  Don't you read the labels on your bananas? 

Burke: I never saw any label...

Madame Producer: Ummm, Burke, where exactly did your, uh, the banana come from?

Apollo: You do understand, this could become legal, if she does hold the patents, to your uh, banana.

Burke: That's impossible.  I'm quite sure I discovered it myself.

KiKi: Don't worry Burke.  I'm not going to sue you.  After all, a banana was just a banana until it became a Burke Marquette Banana. 

KiKi: I'm more than willing to let you continue using your banana, in exchange for being part of The Burke Life.

Burke: That's blackmail!

Madame Producer: Miss KiKi, Please tell us why you would be a good candidate for The Burke Life.

KiKi: I'm very well built, which I know Mr. Marquette must appreciate, being an iron-clad banana nut stud muffin.

KiKi: One of my favorite hobbies is writing and performing original songs about Burke.

Burke: You're musical. Do you play any instruments, Miss Steeletto?

KiKi: Yes!  I do.  I brought it with me.  Would you like to hear?

Apollo: I wasn't aware the party horn was considered an instrument...

KiKi: And then there's the dance moves I invented.  The Banana Boogie

Burke: Dance moves?

The Banana Split

The Banana Slap


Burke: Has that Angelia been teaching them this?




and The Banana Peel

As you can see, I'm also very flexible!

Just think Mr. Marquette, if I can invent the banana, imagine what else I'm capable of! 




Burke: Alright, ummm, you can get up off the floor Miss KiKi.

Burke: KiKi, although I'm going to have to check with my attorney on the banana issue, since I'm quite certain I did discover it myself,  I think you would be an asset to The Burke Life.  Welcome aboard.  (just make sure this one signs the legal release)

Woohoo!  I'm going to Burke's House!

Watch out Burkies!  KiKi Steeletto is taking on The Burke Life!!

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Hello Millions of Screaming Fans.  Welcome back to The Burke Life.  Couldn't get enough, could you??  I'm afraid that happens to a lot of people.  And it happened today to another fan who auditioned for The Burke Life... We've never met anyone like this before... Don't let the smile fool you.

Madame Producer:  Hi, ummm, wow.  Alright.  Please tell us your name and in your own words why you would like to be part of "The Burke Life."

Gene Viva:  Hi.  Yes, My name is Gene Viva.  Well, that's my stage name.  My real name is Genevieve Dubbaya Baker.  But union regulations require you to call me Gene Viva. 

Burke:  (to Madame Producer)  She belongs to a union?  What union?  Don't tell me these girls have unionized....

Gene Viva:  Oh Burke, there is A LOT you don't know about us Burkie girls.  I happen to specialize in Unions....  mmmmhmmm.

Burke:  Oh we've got a live one today!   Alright, Ms. Gene Viva, why do you want to be part of "The Burke Life" ?

Gene Viva:  Oh, that's easy.  Because I alone should possess your high and never yeilding banana.  All other Burkies Will die. And I want to cure world hunger.

Burke: What?!?

Gene Viva: I simply will not ever share you.

Burke:  Share???

Gene Viva:  Oh yes, Burke honey.  You are ALL MINE, and I am not about to share you with any of those other Burkie Wanna Be's. 

Gene Viva:  I am SICK and TIRED of fighting for porch space with those other Burkie Girls.  I will NOT be pushed to the bottom step, in fact I won't even share the porch.

Gene Viva:  I'm a strong woman, and I'm going to get what I came for, and that's you Burke!

Gene Viva:  If I'm chosen for The Burke Life, those other Burkies are going to get a real fanny kicking!

Gene Viva:  They won't trouble you again Burke Baby.  Just think, no more Burkies littering your porch, no one peeling themselves off the Banana Mobile, no more bear traps....


Gene Viva:  Pick me Burke Baby and you will NEVER be troubled by those pesky Burkies again.  Not only can I be your Arm Candy, but I can be your personal security guard too. 

I have a black belt.


Hyyyyy Yaaaaaah!

Mr. Apollo:  Umm, did we get a background check on this one?

Gene Viva:  Just TRY and get past THIS face Burkies!!!



Burke Baby, you KNOW we belong together, and you KNOW you want to be rid of those pesky Burkies.  Just say the word and this whole package is YOURS...forever and ever...living or dead!

Gene Viva:  You'd have to be crazy to turn this down.

Burke:  Living or Dead?  Is this one for real??



Ummm, Ummm, Ms. Viva? Excuse me? Ummm, what, what are you doing?  Ms. Viva?  Ms. Viva???


Burke:  Please, Ms. Viva, please, get out from under the table!  What ARE you doing?


Gene Viva:  Sorry Burke Baby, I thought I'd dropped my banana clip...  For my hair.  Good news, I didn't.  But listen, Burke, the answer to all of your problems is in the palm of my hand.  Just say you want to live La Gene Viva and your porch will be clear forever!



Gene Viva:  So... When do I start?

Burke:  Ummm, are we taking this one?

Madame Producer:  Are YOU going to tell her 'No' ?

Burke:  No. She scares me.  But the outfit can stay.

Gene Viva:  Woooo!  I'm a Burkie!  I'm a Burkie!  Oh you are not going to regret this Burke Baby.  When I'm finished there won't be another girl within 50 feet of your porch!

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Hello Legacy Land and welcome back to The Burke Life.  Millions of women have swarmed Legacy Studios since we announced open auditions for The Burke Life.  Tonight we're going to take a look at another contender.

Mr. Apollo:  Alright, next audition.  Ms. Cheryl CeeCeeMe?  Please tell us why you want to be on The Burke Life.

Madame Producer:  Ummm, Ms. CeeceeMe?  We're ready when you are..

Ms.CeeceeMe:  Oh I am READY, I have BEEN READY for a man like Burke my whole life.  I am HERE to show Burke that I am the woman he has been looking for.  Those other Burkies have nothing on me!  I am your IT girl Burke.

Burke:  That's very kind of you Ms. CeeCee?

MsCeeceeMe:  CeeCeeMe.  Cheryl CeeceeMe.  But please, call me Cherrrrr... Burrrrrrrrke <purring>

Burke:  Yes, Cher, uh Ceecee.  Yes.  Well, tell me a little more about what it is you would bring to The Burke Life.

Cher CeeceMe:  Woooo!  I bring this Burke Baby! I am your DEluxe Party Package!

Cher CeeceeMe:  Woo!  Woo!  Hubba Hubba Bubba!  Woo!  Bring it baby!  Bring it!  Who's your momma?  Uh huh, uh huh....

Burke: Wow.  We've got a real live one on the line...  Umm, Ummm, Ms. Ceecee?

Cher CeeceeMe: Please, Burke, call me Cher, it's so much more personal.

Burke: Alright, Cher...  Please stop.... dancing?  Tell us something about yourself.

Cher CeeceeMe:  Oh, I thought you'd never ask.  I'm 23 which means I'm perfectly legal, but still young enough to be your portable party.  Ummm, my hobbies include long walks on the beach, gourmet cooking, and paper clip sculpting.

Madame Producer:  I'm sorry.  Did you say Paper Clip Sculpting?

Cher CeeceeMe:  Yes....  Haven't you ever heard of paper clip sculpting?  Well, I know Burke has, being a cultured, well educated handsome man.  Besides, I sent him a life size scupture of his head.

Burke:  Is that what that thing was?

Cher CeeceeMe:  Yes, didn't you get it? It was actually your bust, it was about this big.  I left it on your porch.  You got it right?

Burke: (to Madame Producer)  THAT's what that thing was.  I TOLD you it wasn't a bear trap!

Cher CeeceeMe:  A bear trap?  What do you mean bear trap?  It was a perfect replica of Burke's head, rendered in paper clips.  Any idiot could see that. 

Burke:  It was lovely Cher, it was uh dark when I got tangled, I mean when I got home.  I was just surprised. 

Mr. Apollo:  Alright, one more time, tell us why you want to be on The Burke Life.

Cher CeeceeMe:  What young fertile intelligent woman wouldn't want to be on the arm of a piece of banana like Burke?  Burke, I'm yours for life, but it's up to you.  You can have me on your porch every day, or much closer every night.  I'm not going anywhere there.  You're my man Burke!

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Hello, Hello, millions of screaming fans, please, stay behind the security gate.  Yes.  Thank you.  Apparently my mere existence has become an unreasonable distraction to the women of Legacy Land.  And as a Celebrity, that when your public knocks, you must answer.  Although I am flattered to have fans at my doorstep, the numbers of women throwing themselves onto my front porch has become a bit of a security concern.  So, in an attempt to both control the crowds, and please my fans, we have announced Open Auditions for The Burke Life.  A small group of lucky women will be chosen to actually stay at the Burke Marquette Estate and experience The Burke Life firsthand.  The rest of you ladies in Legacy Land will simply have to get off the porch and live vicariously through the winners.

And so, without further delay.  I will introduce you to the producers of The Burke Life, who will assist me in selecting the lucky little she-devils. 

First I'd like to introduce Show Business Icon, Apollo Legalos.  Apollo is a producer for The Heiress, was the star of last season's hit show "Fire Mountain"  Apollo has served as a technical consultant for the hit band Llama Mama and directed their most recent music video for their second album, due out this fall.  Apollo lives in Legacy Land with his wife Meadow, and together they have six children.

This is Madame Producer, she's the Excecutive Producer of both The Burke Life and The Heiress.  She makes all of the important creative decisions, such as who lives, who dies, and how the money is spent.  She's the source of all information we need to know, and to date, her real name is not part of that information.  It's best just to call her Madame Producer and do as she says.  I've never done it myself, but some of the grips tell me that disagreeing with her is a painful experience.

And then, there's me, your host, Burke Marquette.  Without me, there would be no Burke Life, would there?  So that makes me pretty important.

Madame Producer:  Alright.  First Audition.  Angelina Jolie... Wait, sorry, wrong application.  Angelia Seventysix.  Interesting last name.  Alright.  Please step into the light and tell us about yourself.

Angelina:  Oh my god! Burke, it's you baby!  Oh, I can't believe I'm here!  I've been sleeping on the sidewalk for three days so I could be first in line!  Do you remember me?  From your front porch??

Burke:  Ah yes.  How could I forget?

Madame Producer:  Alright Angelina, uh, Angelia.  Tell us something about yourself, beyond your aspiration to sleep at doorsteps and porches.

Angelia:  Well, my name is Angelia, and I'm currently the Captain of the Burkies - that's the fan club the porch girls and I started for Burke, uh, Mr. Marquette.  I've been a big fan from the beginning, even back when Burke was doing denture commercials.  I knew that I wanted those teeth in my mouth!  I would let my imagination run wild with those commercials.  And then, when I heard he was hosting The Heiress, well, I knew it would be the best show ever!  My life pretty much is all about Burke and being a Burkie. 

Madame Producer:  And why do you want to be on The Burke Life?

Angelia:  Because Burke is such a hottie, and as long as he's on this planet, I'm not going to be doing anything but dreaming of him.  If I could follow him around as a Burkie, and live The Burke Life.  Well, I can't think of a better way to serve my fellow Burkie sisters.  Or a better way to serve Burke.  I'm steady, dependable, reliable, and I want Burke to know that I'll be there to protect him when other Burkies just want to rip his clothes off.  I promise not to rip anything.  I firmly believe that buttons and zippers should be respected and used properly.  Burke needs a strong woman in his life.  He needs me! 

Apollo:  Well, uh, we appreciate your concern for Mr. Marquette's personal safety Miss, uh...

Angelia:  Seventysix.  Angelia Seventysix.

Madame Producer:  Yes.  Miss Seventysix.  Thankyou.  Is there anything else you'd like Burke to know about you?




Angelia:  Yes!  I'm a Taurus!  And that means I ride like a bull!

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Hello, Hello, Screaming Fans of Legacy Land.  Yes, it is I, Burke Marquette.  Hello and welcome to "The Burke Life"

I don't expect it to surprise you that I have the whole package.  The looks, the house, the banana mobile, and millions of groupies.  Yes, this is what you sign on for when you become a decadent reality tv host like me.  My overwhelming popularity demands that I share more of myself with the public, and for a couple of extra million dollars, I have agreed to let the rest of Legacy Land in on "The Burke Life."

Every day hoardes of you gather on my doorstep, hoping for a glimpse of me when I return home.  You chant, you sing songs about me...

And sometimes, on a good day,fight bitterly amongst yourselves.  That's the best part!

Every day when I pull into my driveway in my banana-mobile, dozens of you are there, screaming, scratching, and pushing for a glimpse of me.

You scream things like "Burke!  Marry Me!"  "Burke!  I want to have your baby!"  "Burke! You're hotter than Robi and George!" 

Well... At least I think someone said that.  I could be making that up.

The cries, the wails, the screams, the marriage proposals.  It's all in a day's work for a reality tv host like me.

And then, there's the pleading for autographs.  "Burke!  Burke!  Sign my Chemistry Notes!"


"I'm sorry ladies.  I'm only signing body parts today..."





Ah yes.  My life is fabulous, but why shouldn't it be?  I'm Burke Marquette.  And this is... The Burke Life.

Good Night Legacy Land.

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